I favor my left eyebrow over my right. Just throwing that out there, I just wish I could get the right to look exactly like my left. Won't happen. Today I did even more nothing, it was exciting. After not working out yesterday I woke up and I had lost weight, that was nice. Now we'll see when I wake up tomorrow! I'm stuck in this horrible routine of not being able to sleep and then sleeping until 2pm. I hate it. I did make a video today though. It is of what I eat everyday for breakfast. YUM!





MMM Breakfast from autumnism on Vimeo

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xoHeather

I realize that most picture a day projects are all taken in the same place, however I have decided against that, and however I'm feeling that day, that's what the picture will show. Today I felt fat and gross, this may very well be because I didn't do a damn thing all day. In fact I slept until 2pm. I didn't fall asleep until after 5am and this very well could have been the cause of all my problems. I didn't feel well yesterday and decided to go to bed early, and instead of actually falling asleep I just laid in bed frustrated. I decided to get back online and entertain myself, and I definitely did. I have really good conversation with AmandaJean, which was way overdue. We used to talk all the time but because of conflicting schedules and the fact there's a three hour time difference we never really get to talk. We both currently aren't working and the fact I can't fall asleep is helping. Today was such a lazy day, even moreso than my normal I can't do anything days! I didn't even shower. I woke up put some clothes on and sat around watching movies. So in end my day was a big, fat, gross, lazy day of watching movies in pjs.

something's not quite right

There's the daily picture, I'm not feeling well at all today. I still did everything as if I was fine though. I woke up, forced myself to eat every meal, breakfast was particularly hard for me and working out was even worse. I'm committed to this though, I will stick to it this time and get healthy.

There's these two bunnies that take turns using our porch as their hang out. One has lots of white fur and the other is younger, yet more plump, less white speckles of fur. They're really cute, yet like most wild rabbits you can't get very close. I keep taking the camera out and filming them out of boredom, today I actually made something of the videos I took.

Lily and Presley were extra cute today, and if you don't know who they are, they're my cats. They must have known I wasn't feeling well and hung out with me in my room all day. This is normal for Lily, however Presley never comes in my room, and even more so, NEVER lays on my bed. Today he did and he laid with me as I was dizzy just hanging out until I could get up. It was great. He got tons of fur on my bed however, and that was a little less than great!

I will add the video later, I need to sleep and it's not fully loaded yet!

I am in desperate need of a job. I hate being home everyday, with no car and waiting for human interaction. Maybe tomorrow I will go for a walk or something. I work out 6/7 days a week, I'm eating better/more, yet I see nothing come of it(besides feeling better, which I guess is better than nothing). I'm just hoping after working really hard it all pays off and I actually feel better about myself and become less obsessed with how I look. It seriously can't be healthy.

Traci comes home for the summer, this Thursday. I can't wait to have someone to actually do things with. Go out, do normal things people never take for granite because they're everyday activities for most! Hopefully by the end of the week Sarah will have called our uncle to ask about the whole buying parts things so her car can finally get fixed. My window can then be fixed and I will have a car to use and get a job!

I've decided to start the picture a day project today.

Today was an alright day. I smiled more than normal and enjoyed the rain. My mom, Sarah, and I went to see Shrek the Third; it was cute. I don't have much to say, but I made a video and enjoy it. The music is Rubber and Soul by Ane Brun.






June 3rd, 2007 from autumnism on Vimeo

One day I'll learn...

"I say there's trouble, when everything is fine. The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time..." Rilo Kiley's "The Absence of God"

I figure it's only fitting to start off my blog with where it's title came from. This is my life, I always feel like I need to find something wrong as to self-destruct instead of letting someone do something. Yet at the same time, I find that something so I can say it was them, not me, it's always someone else's fault, right?! Anyway, who knows if I'll actually share this with people. I'm feeling awfully depressed these days and there's only so many times I can tell people I'm okay. In a way I am, but I'm just not happy, I do nothing everyday, all day. I leave my house once a week, if that. It's just not a life at all, and to be honest, I know how pathetic it is. I just want more for myself I guess.

I saw Gemma's blog and it made me want to make one again. Her blog also made me want to do one of those pictures a day, for a year, silly "projects." I feel like I will change a lot over the next year. This time next year I will have been in culinary school for a three months and learning how to make awesome breads and treats!! I'm quite excited at this thought, the only times I'm happy are while baking. I just wish I had more people in the area that I could give said baked goods to. I'm trying to lose weight and baking like I do, isn't helping much!

Speaking of losing weight: I've recently become obsessed with appearance, and not with clothes and whatnot, but how my body looks. Which anyone who knows me, knows, that's not me at all. In fact normally I'd be the complete opposite, confident in my chubbiness and everything. These days I eat in hopes it will help me shed the pounds and do Tae-bo. If I had a car(a whole different story) I'd also be going to the gym and doing my old routine that worked wonders before I left for Boston! Part of me feels like the whole mess that was BOSTON is what caused me to be so insecure. Oh well, you live, you learn, you slowly get over the loses. Back to the whole weight issue; I feel like if I lost weight then maybe I'd actually get noticed by the opposite sex and there would be a chance for me to actually allow myself to get into a relationship. I'm no good when it comes to relationships, I do the same self-destruct in hopes to protect myself that way I never get hurt. I need to stop and get over the fear of getting hurt or rejected, it's all part of life!! Time is totally flying, it's already 2 am and I need to sleep.

Maybe I will sometimes post video blogs, they will probably be of my cats being cute or something lame, but it will be nice to have. Time to do a Secret Word, word search then head to bed.

<3heather

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bored and brushing my teeth. from autumnism on Vimeo