Sunday, June 3, 2007

One day I'll learn...

"I say there's trouble, when everything is fine. The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time..." Rilo Kiley's "The Absence of God"

I figure it's only fitting to start off my blog with where it's title came from. This is my life, I always feel like I need to find something wrong as to self-destruct instead of letting someone do something. Yet at the same time, I find that something so I can say it was them, not me, it's always someone else's fault, right?! Anyway, who knows if I'll actually share this with people. I'm feeling awfully depressed these days and there's only so many times I can tell people I'm okay. In a way I am, but I'm just not happy, I do nothing everyday, all day. I leave my house once a week, if that. It's just not a life at all, and to be honest, I know how pathetic it is. I just want more for myself I guess.

I saw Gemma's blog and it made me want to make one again. Her blog also made me want to do one of those pictures a day, for a year, silly "projects." I feel like I will change a lot over the next year. This time next year I will have been in culinary school for a three months and learning how to make awesome breads and treats!! I'm quite excited at this thought, the only times I'm happy are while baking. I just wish I had more people in the area that I could give said baked goods to. I'm trying to lose weight and baking like I do, isn't helping much!

Speaking of losing weight: I've recently become obsessed with appearance, and not with clothes and whatnot, but how my body looks. Which anyone who knows me, knows, that's not me at all. In fact normally I'd be the complete opposite, confident in my chubbiness and everything. These days I eat in hopes it will help me shed the pounds and do Tae-bo. If I had a car(a whole different story) I'd also be going to the gym and doing my old routine that worked wonders before I left for Boston! Part of me feels like the whole mess that was BOSTON is what caused me to be so insecure. Oh well, you live, you learn, you slowly get over the loses. Back to the whole weight issue; I feel like if I lost weight then maybe I'd actually get noticed by the opposite sex and there would be a chance for me to actually allow myself to get into a relationship. I'm no good when it comes to relationships, I do the same self-destruct in hopes to protect myself that way I never get hurt. I need to stop and get over the fear of getting hurt or rejected, it's all part of life!! Time is totally flying, it's already 2 am and I need to sleep.

Maybe I will sometimes post video blogs, they will probably be of my cats being cute or something lame, but it will be nice to have. Time to do a Secret Word, word search then head to bed.



bored and brushing my teeth. from autumnism on Vimeo

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